Trolling Columbia
by sheldonthewhale
Summary: Booker hes entered the flying city, and trolls it hard. This player can do what he wants, and he does it. Crackfic, so incredibly stupid and funny.


**I have never played the game, nor have I researched it. I only watched my bro play it via video chat so no haters if I get facts wrong. Anyways this fic is racist and crude and terribly stupid but I DON'T CARE IM POSTING IT ANYWAYS.**

My lungs burned as I rose up from the crystal clear waters. Coughing didn't seem to help but as I hacked up the liquid I felt better. Looking around I saw giant statues of presidents, who are apparently saints at the same time…What a fucked up world this is.

Several priests were bent over in prayer towards the statues, ignoring me as I washed my face in the fountain. I took them all in, noticing just how few black people there were, which is when I spotted the one black guy. He was a drop of chocolate in a sea of vanilla.

The gleam of coins in the fountain's waters caught my eye, so I reached in and took them, stealing the wishes of the innocent. I moved onto the street and took in the floating city that was Columbia.

It smelled nice enough, like any classic city in the 1920's. Except these Columbian bastards felt like sitting above everyone else. It's only a matter of time till they get shot out the sky and killed. I'm still waiting for that to happen to Skyloft. In any case along the road there were people sitting or walking, minding their own business. I spotted a mechanical horse, and watched it for a minute. How the FUCK was there a robot horse in the 20th century. I thought it was best not to question it and kept moving. I had a chick to find anyways.

There was a water fountain of sorts with children playing in it. I thought they were poor, but they wore mini suits like they were teddy bears or some shit. The two little boys just kicked the water like it was a punching (Kicking?) bag. I looked closer and saw the spirit of a unicorn huddled in the water, dying slowly as the well-dressed boys preceded to melee it to death.

Further along the road was a hotdog stand, I stole a hotdog and ate it. In a nearby house was a birthday cake waiting for a child to eat it. I ate it instead, destroying the child's dreams. He would have been six, as there were six candles (which I also ate). There was also a table with cheese and bread on it. Now there was a strange sight. The cheese wheel had the diameter of a foot and a half. The bloody hell? In any case the damned bread was twice that size, and there was no more room on the table for anything else. I teleported the moldy (as it had been left out) food into my stomach. On the sidewalk an open can of sardines sat idly alone, and I ate it. The can too. It had been pissed in but I didn't care, I could eat anything. There was a park-like area and a bench in front of it. I sighed and sat on the bench, and looked to my side. There was a banana. I ATE IT.

Behind the bench there was a barrel. On the barrel there was money, so I took it. I little child came running up to me.

"Don't worry mom I left it right he-" He stopped talking as he looked at the time of the barrel. "I don't understand I left the money right here.

"Dammit Timmy why, WHY did you have to take from my purse?!" the blonde woman in dirty clothes started to cry.

"Mommy I-"

"I don't GIVE A SHIT. I disown you! We can't afford the rent now, let alone another mouth to feed. Don't bother coming home!" she kicked the kid in the balls and ran away. He fell to the ground, weeping silently.

I got up and walked away.

Further down the never-ending road I saw a woman on the ground, begging about some shit to do with little orphan girls. I dragged her to a dark corner, and fucked her. She gave me the money meant for the little orphaned girls.

There were more barrels and I opened them for money. There wasn't any money, but pickles. The pickles were reduced to mere withered moldy things. I ate them anyways. I noticed a girl being manhandled by a guy who smelled strongly of alcohol. He was kissing her rudely as she squirmed beneath him; I walked away and let them be.

The sun was setting as I sat down by some kids on the sidewalk. They couldn't be older than ten, but I have them some smokes anyway. We breathed in the nicotine as night washed over the floating city.


End file.
